BOB J. YARD

MAYOR (in office) • singer • knows what is best

he has been our mayor for pretty long and we havent changed him because he is the only one who knows whats the best!! the mayor job is hereditary: bob received it from his grandmother, elena f. yard (the first yard!!), as a young man, which upset absolutely nobody and we will not be taking questions about it. his father is not listed in this registry, or any registry. UNKNOWN

he personally maintains the flowers behind his house for his belated wife bella. he talks to the flowers. isnt that sweet. isnt it.

STATUS: FINE. THE MAYOR IS FINE.

(click his portrait to read his award-winning poetry thread)

BELLA YARD

IN MEMORIAM

everyone loved bella. the town flowerbeds are maintained in her honor. the fire was years ago. the official finding: a lamp was involved, and the culprit was never found. the mayor was away when it happened. he came back to nothing. do not ask the mayor about the lamp.

STATUS: OFFICIAL STORY COMPLETE

NOOBER YARD

IN MEMORIAM

cut down young: noober yard, beloved brother of yoober and goober. passed away years ago, shortly after the fire, in an accident. the nature of the accident is not public record. the mayors grief was enormous and public and he wrote songs about it. UNCONFIRMED (the songs are about rent)

STATUS: THE ACCIDENT (see history, chapter 5)

YOOPER YARD

RESIDENT • father of yoober, noober and goober

old island family man!! yooper and the mayor go way back and are enemies (yoopers words) (the mayors words are just "friendly rivals"). yooper believes the mayor took the mayor job that should have been his. the mayor job was hereditary and was given to bob by his grandmother, but try telling yooper that. he has told us. many times. we are telling you so you do not have to ask him.

yooper does not talk about the fire. he talked about it exactly once. SEE: THE STORE'S BACK ROOM

STATUS: FUMING (affectionately) (his word)

YOOBER YARD

PLAYGROUND COMMISSIONER • FORUM WEBMASTER • heir apparent (do not rush him)

unperfect is yoobers own word, and it fits: he might not be the perfect man but he really tries to be a good guy!! brother of noober (in memoriam) and goober (whom he calls gooby, because goober is the youngest). son of yooper. he runs the town forum, gifts the little ones presents, and expands the playground by adding new methods to play (latest method: SECOND SLIDE, paint still drying). he will probably be mayor once bob dies, which will be never, because bob is fine.

STATUS: TRYING HIS BEST

GOOBER YARD (yoober calls me: GOOBY)

KID • page manager (this website!!) • webmaster of YARDPEDIA (unofficial) (not endorsed) • forum poster (with big brothers supervision) • keeper of one (1) diary

no yard is younger than goober!! he is the youngest yard and one of the page managers of the town website!! his big brother yoober nicknamed him "gooby" because goober is the youngest (yoobers words) (goober pretends to hate it) (goober does not hate it). his skills are gud in game and car. he alwsyys slides miy car down the slide in palyground beceause very funiiiii. he runs the towns unofficial encyclopedia all by himself. he wants to be a knhgt with his brother yoober but he dont hav enoguh mony for it. his birthday is fastly approaching. yoober got him a wooden car. or a cart. or a cat. ask him which one. he will say yes.

goober also transcribes the radio songs for the archive. goober has perfect hearing. goober hears only instrumentals. goober does not know what the words say. goober is fine. SEE: NOTICE #42.5

STATUS: yayayayka

DOOBER YARD

RESIDENT • yoobers best friend

the best friend yoober has!! doober lives right here in the yard!! him and yoober are best friends and they do everything together (painting slides, moving furniture, carrying things for the mayor). hoover taught him everything he knows, which is a sentence the council has verified is a joke. doober is fine. doober is always fine.

STATUS: FINE (ALWAYS)

ENDER YARD

TOWN GUARD • same age as doober

safety is enders whole job!! ender is the town guard and he guards the town at night, walking the same route every night, in the same order. he has never once looked toward the other corner of the island. nobody has. that is the job. ender is very good at the job.

STATUS: ON ROUTE

STEPHANIE YARD

RESIDENT • the mayors oldest friend

yes, she keeps to herself lately. stephanie used to investigate things with the mayor and doover, back when investigating was a hobby people had. she waved once recently. it was nice to see.

STATUS: RESTING (see notice #46)

DOOVER YARD

FORMER RESIDENT • RELOCATED

officially, doover yard has relocated (see notice #45). he was very funny on the forum. he taught hoover everything he knows. he owed rent. now he does not owe rent, because wherever he is, there is no rent, because he relocated. do not inquire.

STATUS: RELOCATED (FINE)

HOOVER YARD

FORMER RESIDENT • moved away RECENTLY

unlike most who leave, hoover moved away recently, which surprised everyone, mostly because he wasn't ready for university yet. his diary stayed. it is in the possession of gooby (page manager), who was given it "for safekeeping" by a note that was not in hoovers handwriting. UNCONFIRMED

STATUS: MOVED AWAY (RECENTLY)

ZOOBER YARD

FOUNDER (yes, THE zoober) • resident • still alive (see: history, the math)

zoober is a strange person with a greenish skin and she is VERY nice!! she hates the color red more than anything on this island. she wears her helmet every single day. the helmet is red. nobody has told her. the council has voted on telling her fourteen times. the vote is always no. the mayor has asked us to stop voting.

zoober does not look a day older than the mural she is painted in, she simply looks green than her human skin color. when asked, she smiles. residents who asked follow-up questions describe the smile as "long." UNKNOWN

STATUS: NICE (green) (do not mention the helmet)

ROOBER YARD

RESIDENT • NOT related to anyone (adopted by everyone)

roober is not related to anyone. roober arrived one day and everyone adopted him as family, whole, the way you adopt a stray that shows up already knowing your name. he is the oober-est of the non-oobers and the yard-est of the yards. he is training to be yoobers apprentice (unpaid) (yoober does not know). when asked where he came from, roober says "here." when asked when he arrived, roober says "one day." the census has him at 31. the count is always 31.

STATUS: FAMILY (whole)

SOLOMON YARD

THE TOWNS JUDGE (unofficial) (final)

solomon settles every argument in town. his verdicts are one sentence long and nobody has ever appealed. nobody knows what happens to the appeals. there have never been appeals. the council finds the absence of appeals legally reassuring and statistically impossible. UNCONFIRMED

STATUS: VERDICT PENDING (it is always pending until it is final)

MARKET YARD

GENERAL STORE PROPRIETOR

market runs the general store. he sells epic sauce (confirmed by the mayor) and mayo (confirmed by doover, pre-relocation). market maintains the banned list on the store door. current banned: yoober yard (3 days), the concept of shoes, you probably.

STATUS: WATCHING (the register, not you) (probably)

POP YARD

RETIRED • just an old man who lives here

pop is not the mayors father. pop is not anyones pops that we know of. pop is just an old man who lives here and sits outside and watches the mountain. pop was the first to notice that the animals that went behind the mountain came back with a strange dark coloration in their eyes. he mentioned it to bob exactly once. pop has not spoken with him since. the council says he is just resting his voice for bob. UNCONFIRMED

STATUS: RESTING (his voice)

STOOBER YARD

OLD UNCLE

stoober is the uncle of the people!! he says he is older than pop but his moustache was still brown when pop had a grey beard. stoober remembers everything about the old days. he remembers when the playground drawing had 13 stick figures in it. the drawing always had 12. he is still says he is very old. memories get old too.

the photo above is from the italiano restauranti before being renamed to italiano restorante, although there is a shadow behind him, but shadows don't wear hats. UNCONFIRMED

STATUS: REMEMBERING (incorrectly) (probably)

ELLA YARD

THE AUNT OF THE PEOPLE

ella feeds the whole town from one kitchen and nobody has ever seen her buy food. her soup has cured sadness in at least four residents. side effects include humming the radio songs without knowing the words. UNCONFIRMED

STATUS: STIRRING

BOBBY YARD

THE UNCLE OF THE PEOPLE • ella's husband

bobby fixes everything!! doors, fences, hearts (indirectly, via soup). bobby has fixed every door on this island. there is one door he will not fix. he does not say where it is. he starts whistling when you ask. it is the rent.

STATUS: WHISTLING

TOM YARD

FARMER • onion's brother

tom grows the towns onions. the mayor buys onions from tom every single week. the mayor says he cries because of the onions. the flowers are not onions. tom does not ask. tom is smart.

STATUS: HARVESTING

ONION YARD

FARMER • tom's sister

onion runs the orchard side of the farm and is the fastest crier in town (professional hazard). a yard named hoover (recently moved away) likes her. liked her. she keeps his letters in a shoebox under the counter and pretends the shoebox is for receipts. everyone knows about the shoebox.

webmaster note (yoober): goober do NOT write that. that is hoovers personal stuff and hoover is not here to say it was okay to share. i am leaving it up because deleting it now would be weirder. goober. we talked about this.

STATUS: KEEPING (the shoebox)

BLITZER YARD

COURIER • fastest yard alive

blitzer delivers all the towns mail in one morning!! he also delivers one (1) sealed envelope to the other corner of the island every week. he is not allowed to describe the building. he is not allowed to describe the stairs. he is allowed to accept tips. he reports the tips are good.

STATUS: RUNNING (errands) (from nothing)

UOBARD YARD

RESIDENT

yes that is how it is spelled. he checked. he checks every morning. the registry is correct.

STATUS: UOBARD

QUASAR YARD

KID • astronomer (self-declared)

quasar knows the name of every star over the yard and has named the ones that did not come with names. he says one star over the mountain twinkles wrong. the council has confirmed all stars twinkle normally. quasar has been assigned extra yard hour.

STATUS: GROUNDED (stargazing)

WASZLO YARD

RESIDENT

nobody knows what a waszlo is. he is one. next entry.

STATUS: WASZLO

OHM YARD

RETired ELECTRICIAN • the quiet one

ohm and his sibling ion wired the whole town for radio in the old days. ohm says the radio sometimes plays things nobody sent. ohm says it quieter every year. this year we had to lean in.

STATUS: HUMMING (along) (he knows the words)

ION YARD

RETIRED ELECTRICIAN • the other quiet one

ion maintains the towns wiring and has never been seen sleeping. ion heard the radio songs before they were on the radio. ion says that sentence was a joke. ion's jokes used to be funnier. UNCONFIRMED

STATUS: WIRED

KLUSTER YARD

PROFESSIONAL UNTANGLER

kluster untangles things for a living: ropes, wires, arguments, the banned list. currently on year 3 of one (1) tangle. the tangle is in the church basement. the tangle is not a rope.

STATUS: UNTANGLING

MONSIEUR YARD

THE TOWNS GENTLEMAN

monsieur wears a monocle and tips his hat to every resident by name, including the new ones, including the ones who have not moved here yet. he says he got the monocle in paris. who is in paris? there is no paris anywhere, according to monsieur, "anymore."

STATUS: TIPPING (his hat)

HOUVER YARD

RESIDENT

NOT hoover. houver. different yard entirely. houver lives on the other side of town and has never left it. the registry is very clear on this. do not confuse them. the last person who confused them was market, and market banned houver from the store for 3 days out of shame.

STATUS: NOT HOOVER

LOOSE YARD

RESIDENT

loose yard. nothing else. the entry is exactly this long on purpose.

STATUS:  

JOB YARD

CENSUS TAKER

his name is a job. his job is a name. job counts the town at yard hour for the mayor, out loud, by name. the mayor likes when the numbers are right. the numbers have always been right. keep being counted.

STATUS: COUNTING

CLOYSTER

FORUM MODERATOR • external consultant

cloyster is not a yard (we checked) (twice). cloyster moderates the town forum from abroad. cloyster has never visited the island. cloyster knows too much about the island. this is normal for moderators.

STATUS: EXTERNAL